Dumping Two Years Worth of Thoughts The Internet Missed (PS: I'm Back... Again)

It's been almost two years since I last wrote in this blog. I'm sure nobody even noticed considering the fact that people still visit my old posts and would have probably binge-read everything I've written from the last five years (I sure hope nobody's gone so far as to reach my old "crush stories" dumped in here though. So embarrassing, I won't even think of reading those again. I probably shouldn't have mentioned them because now you're going to try to find them but oh well. Past me thanks you for reading her work.).

As many of my non-independent life decisions, I asked people from Twitter (which only eight people answered lmao) if I should revive this blog again or continue on with my new one (Visit my new blog: Elliot Writes) or evidently do both. Lo and behold, from those eight people who answered the poll, they decided it would be best if I did both! I can't complain either since I missed writing entries here as well. I've come to this blog as a safe haven or just a place to dump my thoughts in. And here I am: Dumping my thoughts in... again.

From the past (and sometimes, even now), I know some people might find it terrifying to write about personal stuff online because... well, your thoughts are out here for the whole world to read. I don't know. Maybe I never thought a lot of people would actually read mine? (lmao) And it's basically one of my only outlets when I don't want to bother other people personally for my thoughts.

In the end, when I read my entries again, I get to reflect with what I've written. I get to understand what I feel. And sometimes, I also get to see how I've progressed with both my writing and my maturity. I'm pretty sure that if you put this blog side-by-side with my blog from 2014, you'd see such a drastic change (or maybe not? I'm not sure. I haven't tried to actually do it).

Now, uh, for the past few years, things have been pretty overwhelming. I actually don't know where to begin. How do I even wrap up the year and a half that the online world has missed? Or how do I not wrap it up but instead, lay it all on you? 

Well, I could try with this first: I stopped blogging because I started vlogging (Say hello to another promotional parenthesis; Subscribe to my channel: Eingel Clyg). I've had a lot of failed attempts in doing continuous vlogging but somewhere in the middle of 2019, I was just so hyped and kept putting out content without actually filtering most of them. But it just felt nice. I was doing something. I just loved the idea of being productive and people supporting me all the way (even though they don't actually fully understand why I do what I do). Come to think of it, I think I only do what I do because it makes me feel good. And isn't that enough a reason for you to do something?

So that happened. A lot of people had my back with my vlogging but then I had to stop again because my brain was taking a toll on my mental health. I wanted to vlog so badly but my mind kept telling me to stop. That I wouldn't make it. And I have no future in pursuing such a thing. Also, that I make useless vlogs and my content is so cringy. I did my best to fight that voice in my head but I just lost my grip and put my vlogging equipments aside. I took a step back and tried to breathe.

While all of that was happening, I still had my personal life to handle. I also had university. Requirements. Requirements. Requirements. Endless shoots. Late nights. No time for rest. The only time for actual rest was when I came to church and wept during worship. I even had my happy pill and worship buddy that time... This quote unquote "The One" (Spoiler alert: He didn't stay for long though because... Well, why would he? Bottom line: Boys like him can't handle real life commitment and relationships. Hay, experimental stage nga naman...). I also had my youth siblings from our church ministry with their own different baggage. That didn't stop me from being their older sister figure though (I became a selfless person. Can you believe it? I still can't tbh).

Let me just put it out there that I've become a better person after I've been scarred and hurt by so many people who came and went. I'm thankful for the people who hurt me throughout the year and a half. Especially the ones that got me crying for three days straight. And the ones that lied to me for almost half a year. It opened me up to reality. Definitely getting stronger by the day because of all that.

Although, I have to admit that I still have this soft spot in my heart. I'm finding it so hard to close it. Then again, maybe I shouldn't? There's been someone occupying that soft spot besides God, my family and my friends. Though I am 100% sure he has no clue. Or maybe he does but he just denies it. Sometimes, I deny my feelings as well because I'm not so sure if it's really as deep as I think it is. I used to use that kind of uncertainty with my stories and poetry. I romanticize and exaggerate. But now, I kinda don't want to do it anymore. I want to romanticize and exaggerate only if it actually feels that way (or if it feels the same for him).

Then again, it's so hard to take a leap of faith when I don't want things to go wrong again. Guys from my past are often... for temporary or for friendship only. I have yet to find out which category he really belongs to. I just don't want to surprise him when I'm not so certain if he acknowledges it too. I don't want to force anything. I mean, this is not just some high school crush anymore. Or is it?

Maybe I'm just overwhelmed by him. I mean, without actually sugarcoating this part, I want to get to know him in all the littlest details. Is that weird to say? I just find him interesting enough to want to find out how he likes his coffee in the morning or if he even drinks coffee. I want to know if he's better at thinking when it's 2am in the morning or if he sleeps it off because he doesn't sleep so late. I want to know how many bottles can he take before he gets drunk or if he smokes when he's stressed out. I want to read the books he reads. I want to delve into his mind and get myself overwhelmed by how fascinating and intense he thinks. Then again, I also want to know what makes him laugh. I'm curious if he thinks memes are the best thing to ever have been invented in the face of mankind. I want to know what gets him out of bed most mornings. I want to find out what his mundane life actually consists of. I could go on... But this blog post is not about him.

I'm just terrified that he might get scared if he ever finds out about all I just mentioned. Because, honestly, I've never been this fascinated by someone in a long time. Yes, I mentioned about my "The One" but I was never drawn to him in the first place. He drew himself to me, which is how I got to know him. But someone who I became drawn to? Now that's different. He's different. Which makes me so eager to know him but I don't know how to do that anymore...

Anyway, enough about that. We're getting ahead of ourselves. I'm already mentioning things I want to happen in the future when I haven't even mentioned much of the past nor the present right now. So yes. I stopped both blogging and vlogging. I tried to give myself some self-care. My anxiety was really harsh on me by the end of 2019. But once I stepped to 2020, things changed.

I became more eased up. Going back to university in January felt like I was a completely different person. I became even more different after "The One" left. All the more when we had our trip to Zambales, Batangas, Bulacan, and Cebu. It was some pretty intense soul-searching. Baguio could never.

I was positive with 2020 but then, everything went downhill from there. There was the Taal Volcano erruption, the COVID-19 outbreak.... Everything. Almost everything downhill. All plans for 2020 cancelled. I got even more in touch with my emotions. I had crippling anxiety and slight depressive thoughts at the back of my mind but I just had to find ways to cope. I started watching movies and series again. Reread a couple of books. Kept in touch with a few friends I hadn't gotten the chance to talk to in a while. I did worship in my room. I'm working out again. Then, I started a new blog (the one I mentioned earlier). Afterwards, I kind of missed doing vlogs so I came back to that as well. For who knows how long? We don't know. All I know is that I'm happy for now and I'm sure that's what matters the most.

Oh, look at the time. It's 12:16 AM as I'm typing.

So far, it's been okay. I'm thinking about taking a social media detox again after I pass my final requirements for elective. I wonder how I'll be able to do that when I'm blogging and vlogging and overall, have to be active for social media (esp because I got my AdSense up). Who knows, maybe a miracle will happen and my long lost twin would save me. I can finally get the rest I want (lmao).

I think this is enough for dumping two years worth of thoughts?

Time for me to sleep.