Make Them Wonder

I've Been Strong Enough

(...And I don't know if I can keep it that way anymore)

First and foremost, I would like to apologize my absence these past three weeks. It's been some rough weeks for me. It's the end of the year and we did a lot of stuff and a lot of things. Hope you guys understand! Mwahugs!

If you could try and talk to my friends, you'd get positive remarks that I'm friendly, talkative, loud and optimistic. But these past three weeks, I couldn't help but recheck my life for a moment. By the way, I apologize for not being able to update the past three weeks. A lot has happened lately. And I don't want other people to get involved with what I'm worrying about. But since I missed writing and I missed you guys a lot, I'm writing right now. Remember how 'I' give you advice on certain stuff? Well, now's your chance to give me a piece of your mind (if you'd like. I'm also going to give a piece of mine as well).

But before we go to the advice-giving portion of this blog post, I'm going to tell my story these past few weeks.. Only a few parts, of course. I'm not going to tell EVERYTHING!

Week Three: Day 1-Monday

Walking in the streets never felt more strange before. It was a normal thing for me to walk but.. There's something wrong in it this time. I just ignored it and went with the walking. I opened the door in our car, sat in and slammed the door next to me. I tried to get a good angle of comfort inside the car while my dad started to drive it. Once I got my position right, the radio played a random song that went something like this:

"And I wonder if I ever crossed your mind..
..For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now."

I stopped listening to it for a while and just made it my background music. I'm leaning against the door I slammed shut earlier. I cover my mouth with my hand and I notice the people walking beside the car. There was this one girl wearing a checkered green skirt with a matching dirty white blouse. She had reddish brown colored curly hair swept up in a ponytail. Wearing glasses, she looked like a nerd. Well, a nerd with lipstick.. Very red lipstick, if I do say so myself. She was holding a lot of books that were fixed together and tied around it was a book belt.

Not long enough, she turned around and looked side to side. She held her scrunchy and slowly pulled it to release her ponytail-ed hair. She took off her glasses and kept it safely in her neon green-colored Jansport bag. She fixed her hair that was now flowing to her waist. If I wasn't mistaken, she'd look like this:

Beneath those freakish glasses and old style hairdo was a beautiful girl who was awaiting her time to bloom. When we reached our city hall, she stood there waiting for a jeep to ride on. She was still trying to fix her hair until a guy about her age appeared next to her and took her books for her. I couldn't read lips but it was clear that the guy holding her books told her he missed her. But I wasn't able to see the next thing that happened because my dad had to drive to avoid traffic. Though I wouldn't mind because I somehow enjoyed watching that red-haired girl and the brown-haired guy.

Meanwhile in the car, at the back of my mind, I couldn't help but think that someday in their life, they'd never be together for eternity. They'd probably find other people for them. They'd wake up one day not looking for each other but instead, looking for someone else. Searching for another means of happiness. And it made me sad. It made me gloomy and very depressed.

When we reached school, I opened the other door and got up to stand outside. My dad bid me farewell and I slammed the door shut. I give out a deep breathe and start walking towards the inside of the school. I walk up at the flight of stairs and stand in front of our closed classroom. I couldn't remember the next things that happened but what I did remember was, Christine and Ronna arrived. They told me that we should go to the bridge or we should roam around the campus. I agreed to both but instead, we roamed around the campus. They were talking and talking while I was just.. Blank. I wasn't thinking of the girl and the boy earlier anymore. I doubt that I was thinking at all. I was just.. It seemed to me that I was.. Well.. Floating. In mid air. I didn't know the next thing I was going to do. I hardly made up my mind once they asked me if we should go up already. But I couldn't ask them the question that I've been aching to ask.. "What's happening to me? What's wrong with me?"

When we got upstairs, the bell rang and we went to our respected classrooms. We started the morning ceremony and ended it. We had our Bibliarasal. I was listening to the opening prayer since I didn't know the song and suddenly, I ended up staring at the screen monitor like I'm somewhat depressed or something. Well, at least that's what Ate Kate felt when I was like that. She even called me and asked me why was I sad. And I'm like, "Huh? I'm not sad, silly!". In the end, she just told me to smile.

The Rest of the Remaining Days & Weeks Altogether..

More and more, I started to feel something change in me. It's as if all my cells became sad cells and there's only one happy cell left. And it's only activated in a specific period of time. When a joke is cracked, when something is funny or when a camera is at sight. Automatic: SMILE! But plenty of people lately have told me that my smile today was different from before. Like.. Even though I'm smiling, it still shows that I'm sad. I myself don't know what the hell is wrong with me. What IS wrong with me?

Conclusion

Starting then, I decided to find out what's the matter with me. I started fixing the things in my bag.. I threw away garbage that I didn't need.. I took away old notebooks and energy-taking substances. And somehow, I only came to the conclusion that I'm.. Sad. Without an apparent reason, I'm sad. Without any lab tests or doctor's consultation, I'm sad. Just from my investigation, I'm sad. And there's nothing I can do about it.

I've been happy throughout my life during this school year and this has been the very first time that I've been sad. Knowing this, I became even more sad. And when I became more sad, I became depressed and.. Lonely. My friends are here, yes. But.. I'm lonely still. I tried to search some more and ended up seeing the well-kept wallet-sized picture of Exie (Ex-Crushie). It was not in my wallet anymore considering I fixed my things and replaced it with Marcelo Santos III's picture. Then, a sudden heart beat was somehow skipped. I felt pain in my chest. Is this or is this not heart break? Why on earth would I be heart broken? There's absolutely no reason to it. Mr. Grey's still here. Just not Exie.

I saw another picture of him that I kept with the other one. I looked at both and felt numb. I wrote a short message behind the picture. As I reread it, I couldn't help but become satisfied with what I've written. Then.. I tore the picture apart WITH the message. I tore it into little bits and pieces. I threw it in the trash and did the same with the other picture. And because I wasn't satisfied enough, I took a colored pad paper and wrote what I had to write. As I examine what I had written, I went to the bathroom and opened the faucet. I held out the paper like holding out a test paper to a teacher and placed it beneath the running water from the faucet. The paper was wet. But still not ruined. When I was sure that the paper was already wet to bits, I crumpled it and it ended up looking like a little piece of mashed potato.

The acts I did made me feel a little better. But I still can't accept the fact that up until now, I've memorized the face I tore apart and the letter I wrote on it. Even the things I put in the colored pad paper.. I still remember it wide and clear. Can I just have a memory erasing machine to erase everything just like that? Urgh. Makes me angry and depressed again.

And now that I've realized all that I've realized, I've got another thing that I've realized. (I realized that I used realized too many times now. It's part of my joke. Please laugh) That all of us, every person in this world, we're all ALONE. People just come in our lives to help us forget it. But, in reality, we've always been alone. You are alone. I'm alone. We're all alone.

Even the almost-perfect couple that I saw when I was in the car, being gloomy. They're both alone. But they preferred to be alone TOGETHER. And nothing will stop them from being that way. Nothing but fate. And bad timings.

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3 Simple Tips on Being Alone But Happy at the Very Same Time:

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1. Read a Book
When in times that you feel you've got no one left to lean on, a book is always the right thing to hold on to during those times. The right book at the right time will completely make you feel that you're not alone. That fictional characters will understand you more than people do. So, when in doubt.. Read a book! :)

2. Find a Hobby
You're all alone and you find yourself suddenly strumming the guitar. Or cooking in front of the stove. Or even sculpting something that might be the next big thing in a museum. You've just got to hone and discover a talent that you have and use it when in times of loneliness and hopelessness.

3. Listen to Music
Earphones on. World off. Millions and millions of people will agree on this. And millions of people have also taken this advice plenty and plenty and plenty of times. Simply because, it works. Get your playlist ready and your ears pumping because the best way to fight through your loneliness is MUSIC! You're never alone when it comes to music. Especially to all those who have used music to avoid loneliness all their lives. And to all the music lovers that understand the lyrics and feel that it is their comfort zone.

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5 Easy Ways to Stay Happy (Especially When You Are Facing A Difficulty):

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1. Be With People Who are ALWAYS HAPPY.
As they always say, "Birds of the same feather flock together." So, to be happy.. You must be WITH happiness. Yes, of course, there are some times that people who are happy also experience problems and hardships. But during those times you would be helpful the most. If you've already gotten the happiness feels of someone, then, why not try to cheer other people up as well? Right?

2. Avoid Believing in the Unbelievable

Avoiding the unbelievable means to not believe in things that aren't proven that could cause your sadness. One example of this is if one person told you that your friend has another friend and that you should just avoid your friend, don't believe it! It's your decision as to stay with that person or not. No one can tell you what to do. And you should talk to the person being referred to as well. Because rumors are spreading all the faster now. So, don't believe everything that could be believable but not true. It might affect your happiness.

3. Don't Let One Person Ruin Your Day
There are a ton of reasons for you to be happy and to be thankful for in one day. Don't just let someone ruin all those good reasons for you. If you had caught up with something that's not good, face it and own the problem. Don't let the problem own you. If you let the difficulty own you, you won't be able to solve it.

4. Pray to God

Pray to God and come to Him. Don't deny the fact that He can help you when you are sad. Remember: He's the reason why you're facing that certain trial but He's also the one who knows the answer to your challenge. But in order for you to know, don't ask in a prayer. You've got to know for yourself first. Only then has God answered your quest.

5. E.T.L.Y.D.
E.T.L.Y.D. means Enjoy The Life You Deserve. It simply means that this life is YOUR life. No one has the right to conquer you or your life. And you must enjoy your life as well. Live it to the finest since it's the only life God is going to give to you. Unless you have more storage of life supplies with you. But that's impossible!

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Now is your time to give me some advice.

Comment below simple tips on being alone but happy at the same time & ways to stay happy especially during times of trials!

I'll be checking your comments.. ;)

And maybe on the next preceding blog posts, I'll include some of the best ones I can read!

Thank you! :)

Lots of love,

Eingel *~\(^0^)/~*

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