Bipolarity :):

"The 99.9% chances that I have bipolar disorder"

A Moody Entry by Eingel Calayag

I had a very long day today. I don't know how to describe how long a day it has been but.. This is one day that has been too moody for me. And because of this moodiness, I decided to write on my blog once more. I am suggesting that if you've had a great day today, DO NOT READ THIS BLOG POST. This blog post contains themes not suitable for very happy audiences. But if you still want to read it despite your happy day, so be it. For this entry, I'll be using a lot of long paragraphs and explanations about certain quotations I took from the internet about bipolar disorder.

The first thing I'd like to talk about is the picture right above this paragraph. Many people have been asking me today if I'm alright or if I'm okay or what. And I've been telling them that I'm Fine. But really, there's a whole lot more to talk about than just me saying that I'm okay or what so ever. I just say that I'm doing OK because I don't want things to get even more complicated than it already is and I don't want people to get involved in my misery (this blog, however, is an exception to that because I write what I feel and let out everything-almost-in this blog). And whenever I get asked the same question over and over, I also answer the same answer I have over and over. Take note, I also give out a very big smile that just automatically comes across my face without me noticing. But really, I've had a long and moody day. I just feel stupid that I can't maintain my sorrow. It's as if I need to be happy for the people around me. It's as if I don't have a choice and I need to be happy for the people around me to be happy as well.

Last Wednesday, I've been hurt. But it was only temporary hurt so I healed almost ASAP. But today, I've been hurt too much that I don't know what to do. That I don't know if I should talk to anyone or confront anyone with my hurting. But then, I just thought to dismiss the thought and think of other things rather than my stupid problems. Actually, this was not supposed to be my problem. It's just that people are too much of a bully to others without those people even knowing that they're being bullied. And instead of telling them that they're being bullied, I just keep it to myself on what I heard because I don't want people to get involved. What I heard was what I heard. And what they said was what they said. I just hope karma comes soon...

Also, based on the picture above, it's true that not all wounds are visible. But those kind of wounds are the ones that hurt the most. Because those kind of wounds are located in the heart, which is without a doubt the most impossible organ to heal. And I guess that's the thing that hurt in me the most when I heard the words come out from those people's mouths. I mean, they have no right to lecture, question or talk about people that way! They have their own lives and they should problem their own problems rather than tearing other people's images apart. Ugh.

It's true what they say that you don't have to care about what other people think of you. Because what matters is what you think of yourself. But of course, that is our own opinion about ourselves. But what if a friend of yours is being judged by other people? THAT is the thing that I cannot accept. I mean, friends are like that. And I didn't expect that I would also be that type of friend. Now I know that I am.

The thing is, it's hard to accept someone talking about your friends in the kind of way that they're tearing down his/her image to the public.

Okay. Now, I'm feeling very regretful on how I acted during our club activity day. I was happy at first but ended up so gloomy and so unparticipative (not an actual word) that I enjoyed the club but didn't gain anything from myself.

When we entered the room, the atmosphere was wonderful. Everything was all peaches and cream. Everything was perfect. But in the middle of the club, I started to feel all sad about the earlier happenings (especially the ones involving the bullies and some certain people and other matters that stressed me). In simpler terms, unwanted thoughts came into my head and I automatically absorbed it even if I didn't want to. I suddenly became sad and gloomy and inactive that people started to think that I was being so distant. To be honest, I was really trying to distant myself because I didn't want my negativity to spread the wonderful atmosphere (as mentioned earlier). But the more I tried to avoid coming closer, the more closer I got to what I was trying to gain in the club.

I kind of regretted not doing a thing that I was supposed to do. But then I thought that there are many chances in the world and I can always do it next time in our next club activity day. But still.. It was a matter of importance. And I let it slip through my hands...

So earlier in the morning, I spoke during the morning ceremony and gladly took my part very well. Things were said and done but I kind of regretted a few things. One of those was not talking to someone I want to talk to. But of course, as said above, we've got to look beyond the imperfections. And whoever he/she is, he/she did say that he/she would talk to me in the future when the time is right. It was just not that time. Even though we were standing right next to each other. It wasn't just the right time. There are many times in this world but we've got to make the right one perfect.

I think I've made my point on how I can really be a tad bit of bipolar. And maybe, just maybe, I have bipolar disorder. But that's besides the point. I mean, as said above, bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. And based on my experience on this day, I believe that it really is a great teacher. It taught me to choose my words and actions very well. And it taught me to be happy even in times of doubt.

I just wished that bipolar disorder would make me gain confidence as well. For me to, you know, talk to someone that I've been dying to talk to but to shy to approach especially because I don't know what to say when I stand in front of him/her.

As unbelievable as it may be, everything in our life is a miracle. And I believe that every miracle was created by God for us to learn from and to cherish.

I doubt that God would give us something that we couldn't handle. And I also doubt that God would lead us to something we would never do as a person. I just believe that everything in this life has a purpose. Everything happens for a reason. Either it is a blessing or a lesson. I just wonder if I can make my own reason to live this life to the fullest I can.

Let me just go back to the angry side of myself. Well, not particularly angry but.. Close to anger. Maybe the right term would be disappointment. But not really that much.

Anyway, I should receive a bonus since I didn't stab anyone with a fork today. I mean, I should be stabbing at least ten people to this day but I have the self control to maintain my calmness and just hide it all in my safe little mind and heart that will someday break if someone would break me.

I just can't hide the fact that I didn't have a choice a while ago. But then, I just thought to myself that God has a reason for why I ended up in that place I've been. I just wished that that choice that I didn't have would end me up with something beautiful in the end. I also feel sad that s/he didn't take the opportunity of it.

This quote, I agree with a hundred percent. I believe that everyone should rise from where s/he has been and take every risk possible to rise up again. I mean, life is a challenge. Life is hard. We just get stronger through time and all the difficulties we've had most of the time.

And lastly, my favorite one, is that whoever you are, whatever you are and whatever you do, there will always be that certain someone that will love and accept you simply because you are you. There is no point of changing who you are for anybody but yourself. And everyone is amazing in their own little ways. Hold on. I'm kind of off track. Anyway, I just hope I find my certain someone that would accept me for who I am and that would think I'm amazing just because I'm me.

Okay, I think I've already let out just about everything I want to let out. And I feel a lot better now. I just hope that I will still be okay later. And when I say okay, I mean the okay that really means okay. :)

PS: I'm still not giving up on talking to that someone that I've been talking about here. Because I know that there will come a time that we will talk again and it will be in real this time. That is all. Thank you. :)